THROUGH THE EYES OF A WOMAN

The sun was so hot on that day that I felt like not leaving her office. Worse case, because there was no space in her office premises we had to make do with a commercial parking lot some distance away. That day I didn’t worry about our driver who must have been burning away in the hot car; well, the car had A/C but we do not expect him to put it on since he knew our meeting with the client may take some time.

The way I relaxed in lady Mercy’s office was beyond the ordinary. But I didn’t beat myself for it, sake of the torture I had in the sun for trekking to her office from the car park. We’ve had a business relationship for over a year and with the way we relate I hoped she would understand. The A/C in her office was almost freezing and it really relieved me. A young man hustling to make ends meet, whose business requires him to tie some ropes around his neck (tie) and be in suit for an official meeting with clients. It was however easier for my female colleague, Halima, she was not the sales lead in this case; she only came as a support, wearing a simple corporate gown. Lady Mercy on the other hand was also corporate, wearing a black suit on a sky-blue top, a high heel, and her usual recommended eye glasses just hung on her nose beautifully. From the way she cuddled herself and relaxed on her executive seat I assumed she was cold too.

At least that was my thought until Halima voiced out when we were leaving her office premises, “Olumide, I’m warning you, be careful with this woman o!”

“How do you mean be careful?” Indeed I was lost.

“You mean you can’t see the way she was looking at you? See, I am a woman and I know the way women think and react. From the way she looked at you I can tell she wants to have something to do with you…”

And so she went on trying to convince me she was right because she is a woman like the lady. Well, I still say with due respect that I disagree with her. I mean, if a lady likes me, one way or the other I often get to decode from her body language (Yeah. Reading too much of James Hadley Chase in my earlier days gave me that bad idea). But with lady Mercy I saw nothing. Moreover, she was older than me (if that matters), though I’m not sure if she was married I often hear her talk about her baby girl of about eight years in age. Now, at this point I just got married and I fear tampering with my marriage would be the least anybody would expect from me…

But that is by the way; anyway, just few weeks ago I encountered a female friend in a poetic gathering. We got talking. And we talked to the point where I invited her for a poetry event I host quarterly in Ibadan. When she told me she is no longer based in Ibadan and would find it difficult to come because she doesn’t have anybody she could spend the night with a day before the event - because she doesn’t like coming to Ibadan and leaving the same day, I told her she could come and spend the night in my house. The next thing she said was, “Ha! You are a married man. I don’t want wahala o!”

I was like “Wahala ke?”

She said, “See, I am a woman, and I know how women think: if your wife sees me she may think that there is something between us…”

Much as I explained to her that other ladies who are members of organizing team for the event also come from outside Ibadan and sleep at my place she was still jittery, stating my wife may not react in my presence but may react when I am not there. Of course, because she is also a woman she said she would see what my own eyes cannot see.

Now I get weary of the way women see things:  What’s with the way women see women?

Yes. I know women are deeper and get better understanding of things in much more ways than men. But, what is it with the way they see? What about we leave fiction and face facts? … What worries me in these two arguments, with two different people, at two different locations, was that they based their judgments only with the way women see.

BLACK ROBIN HOOD

I’ve never really had an encounter with armed robbers… Seriously, I don’t wish to have one. The first experience I would have gotten with them was when they robbed my neighbourhood while I was in my final year in school. Over forty of them, armed and brutal, came. People who had no money or valuables to give them were seriously injured. Luckily for me, I was on a 3 days evangelical trip with my fellowship. I escaped, with them leaving my abode untouched (God knows I would have been beaten mercilessly, because I had no money on me).

My second encounter was still same final year in school. This time I was at home, but I was fast asleep: I’ve had some sleepless nights in some series of rehearsals and events in school; hence I was deeply sleeping till the robber cut my window net and picked my phone. (Well, the window had no burglary proof) But luckily for me the robber only took my two phones and left my two SIM cards. I was grateful! I never thought a robber could be so merciful. I thought he may probably be a black Robin Hood who only robbed me to feed some poorer folks. People even said it was a miracle!

Just few days ago, a colleague of mine at work was robbed, and his own was much more dramatic. The robbers pretended to be commercial bus operators and he got on their bus. Of all the passengers in the bus, only two of them were not in the robbery gang. Huge sum of money was taken from him, including his phone. His other victim was not that lucky, they only got a phone and they beat the hell out of him.

The following day, my colleague, in dare need of some numbers on his SIM decided to call his phone line. Strangely, the robbers picked. “Please I need some numbers on the phone. Kindly give me the SIM” He dared. “… Well, you are lucky, my wife advised me to drop the phone for you because we took a lot of money from you. Come and pick your phone at ***” Would you believe that he went to the exact location and got his phone? They just dropped it somewhere and told him the place, warning him that if he didn’t get there on time it was his own luck.

Now some of you may think his phone might be a very old phone, but I’m telling you the truth-the phone is not a bad one. It’s the kind of phone that you can take to the market and still sell for the amount of some new “old school phones.”

It got me thinking, could this be the result of unemployment? With the recent ban of okada (commercial motor cycle) riders from major highways in Lagos, I find it easier to think those robbers might just be some grown desperate men trying to feed their families. While not condoning what they are doing, I use this medium to state that if our governments formulate policies without creating alternative to cater for the adverse effect on the masses, we should expect nothing less. The only problem is that they have high security; they will not experience the kind of incidence my colleague experienced. I also use this medium to tell you to watch out, Christmas is just around the corner, and some people might do extreme things just to enjoy their Christmas. “Watch out for strange movements around your neighbourhood, and look before you leap into any commercial vehicle!”

May God protect us.

SHOULD I FIGHT THIS FOREIGNER FOR MOCKING NIGERIA?

I was in an electronics shop on Victoria Island some days ago, and a disgusting thing happened: an elderly Nigerian man and a Lebanese sang “Nigeria Jagajaga”... And I was like, "What? How dare you make jest of my dear country in front of me?" Yes I said "dear country"; I mean, it's not that I'm enjoying the way my country is making me feel now but I know someday things will get better. And if it doesn't maybe someday I will vex and take up mantle of leadership in this country. Lol.

Anyway, back to what I was saying: I really thought that the elderly Nigerian should have stopped this foreigner from messing up our country, and I wanted to face him instead, but on second thought, I directed my disgust to the foreigner. Maybe because I thought the Lebanese pays his salary; but shouldn’t he have kept quiet instead of making such fun?

Perhaps I would not have paid much attention to it if not for a post I saw on 9jaolofofo some days ago where Obasanjo  tongue-lashed Eedris Abdulkareem (the singer) again. Without any form of dis-respect to Eedris, I think it's high time we all put all hands on deck to put Nigeria on the right course, and it starts from who you are, to what you do, and finally to your vision in life. Of course Obansanjo could talk, I respect him as one of the most effective presidents of Nigeria ever, no matter what people say about him (after all nobody is perfect). But the sad thing is many of us don't even have the interest of our country at heart and we claim it's "Jagajaga."

Okay, back to that foreigner, I bet you he is in Nigeria solely for business and he doesn't care how well Nigeria becomes: that's why I felt the elderly man should have corrected him. But like I said, the man may want to but couldn't. It's just the way situation of our country box us into a corner.

Here was I in their electronic shop about to pay for something. I definitely couldn’t make that payment by going to the nearest ATM machine to withdraw money because ATM daily limit is 150k and I needed 200k. We tried the 3 POS machines in the stores for hours but they refused to work. The Lebanese called his suppliers to come and fix the machine yet it refused to work (He said it was a network problem). While the Nigerian technician was frustrated, the Lebanese wondered why the Nigerian government should be clamoring for cashless economy when all indication show the nation is not ready for it… That was before he started singing the song.

Now wouldn’t you agree with me that the Lebanese had a basis to sing?

MY CRIPPLED LEGS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS

The date was 10^th August 2012. When I woke up I only had the mind to go to work and come back; my normal routine. But I eventually found myself attending RCCG’s Convention at Redemption camp around 5pm. When I got there I had this mind just to walk to the extreme and sit down. I did. But this other mind insisted I walk to the back of alter. I did. And I sat down there to pray, yet this other mind said, “That is not the back of alter, walk further.”

After passing the actual back of alter a bit, and walking back not knowing where I’d actually sit, there I saw what my other mind wanted me to see… a crippled man selling books on his wheel chair.

Initially I passed him, but this other mind insisted I buy a copy. I bought “Fulfilling Your Destiny in Grand Style.” This was when the real message came to me: I was given a lead by my other mind to do something, but for the odds I refused, or should I say postponed (apologies to those who may not understand what I mean). See the truth was, I held back because I kept hearing from close pals that the place I was to go was too dry (even when I had confirmations), until my other mind started giving me nightmares that forced me to take a step. Now here was a cripple from the same place doing almost the same thing, selling his self published books.

When I turned back to buy that book, it was like the man was saying to me, “My crippled legs are better than yours!” And I know if you have a vision and you are yet to start it that same cripple will be telling you same thing right now. Dear reader, your other mind might have told you to do something in line with the fulfillment of your destiny and you’ve been feeling like ‘a chicken who just spotted knife on a Christmas day’, get up, brace up, and do what you are supposed to do. Remember faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

However, I didn’t say there won’t be challenges, even if you obey your other mind: one thing is sure, no challenge can ever overcome a God given vision, especially when the passion has been in you all these while.

WHO WILL HELP ME TELL HER?

At first I thought about writing it as a poem

But some folks just don’t get it that way

Later I thought about giving her a call

But damn, she’s been so crazy with me lately

So I decided to just let her be

Hoping that someday she will know how I felt

But how is she gonna know what I felt?

When she couldn’t even grasp when I spoke?

Please, who will help me tell her?

Who will help me tell her why she doesn’t have a husband?
                                                                                                                        

I wish I could call the lady involved: she was a very good friend of mine, but lately we may not be called true friends. To me I see her like a sister. But I wonder what she sees me as.

I was speaking with her lately and suddenly I got the true picture of the source of her problem: “Ha! This must be the reason why she has not settled down in marriage?” I pondered and pondered. Honestly I care about her, but she began to act funny and I was beginning to think I “over-care”; maybe I should just ignore her... But how is she going to know what she is doing wrongly?

Okay, lemme explain: Like I said, I treat her like my sister, not because she is in my younger brother’s age bracket, or because she is one of those friends I’ve known for over seven years, but because I used to share my thought with her and she does same with me (Though I stopped sharing when I realised she stopped sharing a long time ago). In my thinking, I thought her personality may change for either of these two reasons: 1. we were becoming too close and she was disappointed to see me settle for yet another girl after my last relationship went bad. 2. my seeing her like my sister makes me correct and advice her most times when she acts in a wrong manner but she began to see me like I was going beyond my boundary.

But I was becoming worried that she is not yet hooked after 5 years of graduation from school (I’ll tell you the truth, this person is not ugly). Yet I couldn’t speak to her to know the root of her singleness: I don’t even know what happens in her life anymore, but am sure she’s never acted like someone in love (Yes, I know a lady in love when I see one). I’ve never even seen or hear a man visit her in a very long time-yet she says her relationship life is blossoming and the guy lives nearby... If the guy lives nearby, shouldn’t she be visiting if he doesn’t visit? But she stays at home every time she could have visited, even on valentine day!

It was when I was speaking to her about another female friend, when she told me why she and her don't relate well, that I remembered it all! She doesn’t like to be under control! She dislikes being corrected! Yeah, I also remembered the reason she gave for leaving one relationship some time ago, “The guy likes telling me to do things; I want to be free.” She said.

Who will help me tell her that a woman who disdains control, correction, and other things women are supposed to be may never find, let alone, stay in a man’s house as a married woman... It’s now that I remembered how some of her own female friends reported her to me, and how she was greatly encouraged and became close to a friend who lacked virtue like her some time ago.

Ha! “Who can find a woman of virtue? For her value is far above rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10)  Who will help me tell her that a woman who cannot be under control may never marry, let alone, stay in a husband’s house?

{Watch out for my latest fiction (The Ghost of Aro) on this blog...}

CONFESSIONS OF A POTENTIAL LITERARY GURU

Hi,

My name is Olumide Bisiriyu, and I am an addict...

It all started since the time I started reading my dad’s novels in Primary school. Mama was the cause of all this; she taught us how to read way too early. From here, I began gathering my peers in the neighbourhood and tell them stories under the moon light. Later I would draw cartoons on paper. Some other times I would draw people on cardboard, cut them with blade, and use same to do “film” for my friends. Lol. The stories usually involve somebody’s girlfriend being stolen and him fighting different kinds of obstacle till he rescues her.

Primary and secondary school for me was a blend of two worlds. Sometimes I would play and roughen myself that you’d take me for a troublesome boy. Some other times I’d be so gentle you’d think I’m a dove. Rising from 22nd amidst 30 students in primary one I got to fifth in primary five. And when I got to boarding house in secondary school I topped my class. Yet that didn’t put me off my love for literature. I often enter one literary challenge or the other with my peers; guess who wins? Me ofcourse.

When it got to time to choose my senior secondary class, I really wanted to be in Art class, but for two reasons I chose Science. One, I love Agriculture and felt being in Science would help me stay in focus. Two, looking at the Art class ahead of me I was totally discouraged: these students didn’t look like they have vision at all. I’d rather stay with the science students who always talk about their future than the Art who just play away their days. I even offered to do literature but the teacher felt it was strange for a science student to offer for literature and refused to teach only me.

That got me where I landed, I became an Estate surveyor. No thanks to Chemistry who refused to give me the Credit pass mark I needed to do Agriculture. Yet my creativity held her way all through higher institution till I ended up directing graduates of Theatre Arts in my NYSC dance and drama troupe. My addiction to being creative forced me to always want to do something in every creative world I find myself. Many of them disdained me for it, “How can an Estate surveyor become director in a dance and drama troupe?” Anyway, they eventually became my friends when I became the first corps member to publish a book in the region where we served.

Now here I am still balancing between my Estate Surveying work and my creative sense, yet at the same time dreaming of becoming the literary guru I want to be. I still tell my stories, act, write, do poetry and sing. I still enter competitions all over the world and hope I will someday win. But most importantly I still believe that someday, some people will point at me and say, “There goes The Enigmatic: Olumide Olalekan Bisiriyu, the Estate surveyor who became a literary guru.”

IF YOU WERE A SOLDIER...

Some days ago I made a post/broadcast on facebook/BBm asking people to tell me sincerely, “If people like Daddy Adeboye, Papa Oyedepo, and others are considered to be Generals in God’s army. And we all are in God’s army as Christians. What Rank do you think you will be?”

Well, some answered sincerely. Some others either answered in humility or overrated themselves. Some even bluffed it off, saying we should not give ourselves rank as Christians. Hmmm. The truth is we are not giving ourselves ranks: you don’t go out from here and start saying, for instance, “I am Colonel Aminu Shola Chuwudi in God’s army!” It may sound crazy!

I came up with a Christian analogy of Ranks in the army with their criterion below based on a fair knowledge of the army. But before then take note, the Bible says, “The Spirit itself bears witness that we are sons of God!” (Romans 8:16). Also take note that the Bible made reference to Christians as soldiers in many places, i.e. 2 Timothy 2:3-4 (Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus… No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs), 1 Corinthians 9:7 (Who serves as a soldier at his own expense...), etc. In that case wouldn’t you agree with me that as Christians we could be likened to soldiers? Common, let’s play this spiritual race check; be Bold; Tell me what Rank you think you fit among the following. However take note, to meet a higher Rank you must have met the lower Rank too:

·         Junior Ranks

1.       Private: Little knowledge of Bible; No Rank.

2.       Lance Corporal: Been around for a while. Participates in religious activities randomly.

3.       Corporal: Active Christian. A worker in his/her Church or ministry.

4.       Sergeant: Very active Christian. Leads small groups.

5.       Staff Sergeant: Accomplished in some religious assignments. Leads complicated groups.

6.       Warrant Officer: Experienced in religious activities. Could lead any assignment above.

7.       Master Warrant Officer: Steadfast and Faithfull. Sees to effective running of religious activities.

·         Officers

1.       2nd Lieutenant: Could balance well between sinners and saint world. A teacher on religious matters.

2.       Lieutenant: Articulate. Controls challenging situations. Does less talk but more action.

3.       Captain: Effective and impactful. Experienced in proper running of religious activities.

4.       Major: Persistent and hardworking. Coordinates and solves problems on religious activities.

5.     Lieutenant Colonel: Sees what the other officers can’t see. A die-hard worker of the gospel.

 

·         Staff Officers

1.       Colonel: Coordinator of major religious works. Knows God and God know him or her, with physical manifestations.

2.       Brigadier General: Dexterous and fire full. A fountain of religious knowledge.

3.       Major General: A High achiever on religious matters. An agent of large scale revolution.

4.     Lieutenant General: Leader of Leaders. Commander to even the devil. Could avert impending doom with ease.

5.       General: Someone whose heart is sold out to God. Even the devil fears him/her!

 

NOTE: To all my buddies who told me their own Rank is “Field Marshal”; Well. I’m sorry to say the only one we have is Jesus the Messiah. He is not dead yet. So there is no vacancy!

Shalom.