I used to know a brother who once analyzed three levels of contact point where marriage is established. I couldn’t possibly remember how he explained them but they go something like these:
1. Those who just jump into marriage without thinking: They see a woman who is beautiful, sleep with her, she got pregnant, and they were forced to marry. Some others just play and play until the person hooked their neck and they were forced to marry, even when there is no pregnancy and they didn’t really want to settle down with the person.
2. Those who find a wife: (Proverbs 18:22) In this case, someone has been searching until a man finds a suitable wife or a woman was found by a suitable husband. They often enjoy their marriage because they married their dream spouse. In most cases things work better with this kind of couple. This level is the standard that most Christians look at, but there is a higher standard, which only few experience.
3. Those whom God chooses their mate for them: Some people believe this is just a myth but it happens for real. They say God has resigned from choosing a mate for anybody since Adam blamed his fall on the woman God gave him. It’s either they have not heard testimonies from those who experienced it or they have forgotten. (I have my own reservations though; I believe it happens to those whom God has appointed to carry out a mission together. Take for instance someone who kept dating the wrong people and kept experiencing breakups until he/she finally submits to God and He pointed at the right person-even if the person is a shoe maker. Sometimes, it could happen to those who ask God for it.)
For myself and most youths I’ve seen lately, I could testify that we stand between level two and level three. (What level can you place yourself?) We are hoping that God chooses for us, yet we keep our search light power on, just in case we might need to eventually find a wife by ourselves. (Funny isn’t it? But it is the truth!) After waiting for so long without getting a positive result, some drop to level one... I can also say those who even waiver between two and three are getting tired of waiting and they feel like asking God why when they shouldn’t. (Yet what I have come to understand is that waiting is a pre-requisite for people to obtain the promises of God. The longer you wait, the bigger your testimony.)
Some days ago I went for a Poetic-Drama performance and thought that, “Since I arrived early, let me go see the house of the sister who lives in the area, since it’s been long since I saw her.” Though we are not related, I find it easy to call her sister because of her concerned nature towards those of us who were closer to her when we were in school. My aim was to use the 30 minutes I have to spend with her before my program starts to catch up on old times and I marvelled at how she rushed at asking me about marriage within the short time that we saw.
“Hey” She called. “When are you going to get married? Don’t you know you are getting old?” I thought most people would not ask those kinds of personal questions in the midst of the kind of crowed that thronged her house that night, but she did.
“There is still time.” I told her.
“Do you want to wait till you are forty before you get married?” She asked. And I marvelled.
I would have told her what I’ve been telling some other older (concerned) friends if not for the presence of people I don’t know. I know she might have told me like another old friend, “Common go get married; every woman is the same. And don’t even mention the issue of money again!”
The following day, I went out with my younger brother, and we reminisced all what has been happening relationship-wise. “Guy,” He said. “Your case is still better o. At least you can woo a lady and she would agree. What about the issue of brother Majid (real name withheld)? He can’t even talk to a woman at 36 years of age.”
Majid is a brother to one of our friends, and often times he serves as an example of a typical shy guy to us. There was a time his younger brother, out of pity for him, wooed a girl he loved on his behalf. But when he brought the girl home to him, the only thing the brother said after one hour forty minutes of sitting down and facing her is “How are you? Are you okay?”... The girl left and never came back again.
Each time I remember that incidence I still thank God; even when my past relationships hit the rock, at least I can let go and get better ones. (Even when I try to talk with wrong people, I get signals on time that the path is a dangerous one, which makes my wavering to level two controlled by my father in heaven). But what about the case of someone who could not even talk to a woman? (Worse still, there are also some who even when they could not talk to a woman, they don’t have a relationship with God to the extent of God picking a mate for them... Ah!)
Yours may be that the relationships of the past were with wrong people. Another one may be because of not being ready financially. Yet others may be because of external factors: whatever situation you are; so long as you have been able to exit a relationship and enter another-Thank God! There are so many people out there who would just jump at any relationship because they don’t have a choice! Thank God for the choice you still have. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, or what you do, there is always a particular wife/husband for you out there. Someday/somehow, you will meet and marriage will click. Just believe God’s word, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28).
And remember, whatever vision you have about your relationship/marriage, either you belong to level one, two, or three, “It is yet for an appointed time.” (Habakkuk 2:3). No matter the kind of pressure that has been put on you, wait till the right partner surface. It’s better to wait than to have a broken marriage. Pressure to get people into marriage by friends, families, and well wishers have ruin so many lives; remember if you don’t bow to that pressure it will not burn you. If you bow and rush into marriage you could get burnt; so many spend the rest of their lives enduring marriage instead of enjoying it because of this.
You might wonder: “Hey, is this guy not in the same shoe with us?” Yes I am, but I believe in God’s word that says the vision is for an appointed time. Hence, I don’t let people pressure move me... (About my wavering?... Like I said, I involve God and He directs my path.)
If I could just leave you with a story, I’d tell you the story of a girl I’d have married some time ago: she satisfied me with everything she could, until when I began to make her feel too secured (she felt we were already married and lost her guard). That was when she displayed her real character to me. If I had not taken my time and jumped into marriage with the way she was pressuring me, I bet I might have had a broken marriage by now. Reason? She was just pretending because she wanted to settle down all the while, and I couldn’t cope with the kind of character she latter displayed. (Please don’t ask me what she did.) It would be better for someone like me to stay single than to dwell in the same house with that.
Finally, and in any case, don’t look at the pain you are experiencing in waiting... Though I admit it’s not easy, I’d rather advice you keep your eyes on the prize.